An American Girl in Washington

So basically, what you’re saying is, I’m going to die

Posted in Uncategorized by AGinDC on 11 April 2011

HuffPo really f*d up my morning.  They do that a lot, but never to the point of an existential crisis.  Apparently, children of divorced parents are GOING TO DIE five years earlier than children with boring parents.

As if we haven’t suffered enough.

According to the new book The Longevity Project, I am going to die.  Soon.  And it gets worse.  Not only are my chances of an early demise significantly increased because my parents got divorced, oh no.  Since my parents’ divorce also means that I’m probably going to get divorced, and getting divorced similarly decreases your chances of a long and happy life, I’m going to die early twice.  There goes my retirement plan.  I mean, I can’t kill all of my husbands.

The news is even worse for men.  Since men are apparently basically drivelling idiots who can’t even manage to keep a house together (judging from the shape of my father’s apartment after the divorce, this is true), they are much more likely to die if they don’t get remarried, while a woman’s remarriage has little to no effect on her health and longevity.  Score one for us.  BUT, for some reason unbeknownst to me, the entire family is healthier and lives longer if the alpha male of the family is happy.  Is this because he’s not beating them?  Because he actually takes a break from the golf course every once in a while?  Because the mother doesn’t murder her children and leave them on the doorstep of dad and the mistress, Medea-style?  I have no idea, but since I didn’t have a father around (and hated him anyways), I’m pretty sure I’m going to die tomorrow.

And it gets worse.  Because, apparently you can negate all of these ill-effects by doing something which is hard for anyone in this age of iPods but is far more difficult for children of divorce.  You can have a normal social life.  Whatever that is, I’m a lawyer, which means I probably don’t have it.  Oh yeah, and speaking of choosing-a-profession-that-guarantees-a-life-of-loneliness-and-alcohol-poisoning (children of divorce are also, of course, more likely to smoke and drink to excess), you can also live just as long as the lucky bastards with beige parents if you find happiness and fulfillment by midlife.

This begs several questions:

1.  Is this the midlife for a child of divorce without happiness and fulfillment by midlife or the midlife for a normal person?

2.  If it’s the first, does your midlife readjust itself after you have negated the ill-effects of your parents’ night of alcoholic lust and subsequent shotgun wedding?  And, if yes, if you are no longer happy and fulfilled by the real midlife, are you going to die again?

3.  Who the F tells a child who is going to die that in order to live they have to be HAPPY???  Talk about a “the beatings will continue until morale improves” situation.  Thanks for the pressure.

So basically, I have decided that my life on this Earth is soon to come to an end.  The bad news is, I was just starting to like it here.  The good news is, children of divorce don’t have to worry so much about being alcoholics because we’re going to die before our livers give up on us anyways.

Happy hour is on me.

AGinDC

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7 Responses

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  1. […] more here: So basically, what you're saying is, I'm going to die « An … Share and […]

  2. EvolvingElle said, on 11 April 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Why must you be so dramatic??? It’s not that crucial.

  3. Howard Friedman said, on 11 April 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Wow, speaking of unexpected book endorsements, this one deserves an autographed copy…

    • AGinDC said, on 11 April 2011 at 5:46 pm

      Hahahaha, thanks! I want to read your book but I’m afraid of all of the ways I might die early!

      • Howard Friedman said, on 12 April 2011 at 12:11 am

        But the book has a happy ending: “How fascinating to understand that those who became involved with others in a consequential life would be improving their own health as an unanticipated bonus…”

      • AGinDC said, on 12 April 2011 at 8:50 am

        I did like that the article said that all of the negative effects of divorce can be negated by living a happy and fulfilling life, although as a 27-year-old at the beginning of her career, that pressure alone is enough to kill me! But now I definitely have to read the book and write an updated review!


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